Beyond the Yalu

New photos have emerged of the summer camp that our brave crew visited last week. It seems the swimming pool is under 24 hour guard ... with bayonets. Such has been the stress endured in recent weeks that it was decided that only a truly secure and remote spa would serve to purge the psychological toxins. A diet of gruel and water, and a regime of hard labour, have all reaped significant dividends. Although the TL was caught trying to smuggle in a cheese platter on the first night, the crew acquitted themselves well. They return revived, and ready to push on. Dear blog visitor: gird thy good self for further tales of derring do.

Value for Money

KNL is having an identity crisis at the boutique for height of hospitality
- "Who are you?"
- I'm KNL, Quentin's half sister
- "I don't know you. What do you do?"
- My job is to help you.
- "You are expensive. Other people say you are good. I have to slave-drive you to make you worth it. I want lunch in an hour."
- Sorry, but I have to ask TL.
- "This is exactly why we are not going to work together. Who brought you here?"
- Sorry. I can only advise you on how to make lunch, but I cannot make you lunch
- "You are expensive. Other people say you are good. Is that all you can do?"
- Yes.
- "But you are expensive."...

and so it goes... KNL is now not only expensive, she is concerned no one is achieving VFM.

Into the jaws of death

Here we go, folks. Lord Raglan has given the order to charge, says our very own Earl of Lucan, and so we must. TL Cardigan is to lead us into battle, despite cannons blasting away from three sides. We expect to take some casualties, but our brave souls will win the day. Best foot forward, chaps ...!

The Hungry Hamster

Our office overlooking the graveyard has been experiencing severe financial constraints, primarily because the sadly departed Quentin’s Dad (with a Bazooka) decided to invest all our funds in a Lebanese Credit Default Swap scheme which was subsequently leveraged through a nice man called uncle Bernie. Unfortunately being a trusting type Quentin’s Dad (RIP) decided not to undertake the necessary due diligence. As a result we have felt the economic slowdown more severely here than anywhere else. This has hit our friend the poor hamster even harder than the rest. Since our sister from LC Province out the hamster on reduced rations of water and made him run on a larger wheel, he looks particularly gaunt these days. As a result he has been seen hanging around some plants which were freshly purchased (using credit of course) for our humble office. Sister Kim Ngoc Lee found teeth marks on some of the plants and we all suspect that our poor friend just simply could not resist a nibble. Taking about suspects there are those amongst who are turning on Quentin’s Dad (RIP) and wondering whether it was actually a tragic accident or whether he is sunning himself on a tropical island, enjoying his ill gotten gains. The story and truth will come out…

Quentin's dad is no more

It is with much sadness that I must report the tragic demise of Quentin's dad (with a bazooka) over the weekend. He'd been on some in-country RnR in the highlands, mixing with a hermit tribe in the highlands. They'd encouraged him to demonstrate his bazooka skills, and he couldn't resist. Tragically, he'd run out of the dog fat he usually uses to lubricate the barrel, ahead of firing, and had access only to mango juice. Upon firing the bazooka, the friction in the barrel rose to a temperature that caused the juice to spontaneously combust and the bazooka misfired. The business end of the bazooka barrel was self-circumcised instantly, and the recoil knocked Quentin's dad off his feet, pushing him backwards. Being in the highlands, he not only feel off his perch, but was launched off the cliff, in a cartoon moment that Wily E Coyote would have been proud of. In a desperate bid not to crash earthwards, Quentin's dad then fired the bazooka again, downwards ("always keep an extra one up the spout" had been one of his more common words of wisdom to Quentin over the years), and again the recoil pushed him up and away, as he hung on to his prized -- but now largely impotent -- weapon. Indeed, he then went into a lower orbit over the Pacific Ocean. US fighter planes in Guam were scrambled, as their radars identified the provenance of the bazooka -- North Korean. Fearing that Hawaii might be under attack by a kamakazi-like human rocket, the order was given to 'take out' the flying bazooka. So it was that Quentin's dad was the first recorded case of a fatality using 'star wars' technology. Little of his remains returned to earth, it seems, although a single eyeball did crash land in a complimentary welcome drink that was being handed to a honeymooning couple that had just arrived at a resort in Bora Bora. And some say that his testicles were retrieved by some Amazonian maidens, to be subsequently used in ceremonies that makes the mind boggle. Such were the last moments of Quentin's dad. RIP.

The Mirinda bottle has been found

The TL waiting to fly has managed to manipulate the intricate combination of the safe, in which he found the half-empty (half-full?) bottle of Mirinda. As we were hoping he would forget such a thing exists, it turned out that wasn't quite the case. We were showered with honor as the phoenix lady has sent her helper elf, but with such ill-fitting shoes she couldn't do any work. As KNL is from Korea, helper-elf wouldn't speak to her. But helper-elf offered Danish brother some instant coffee, which pissed the TL off. Not only does TL have to work in the field, he also has to make his own coffee, while his fair skin siblings just enjoy the day away.

Saluting the sirens

Well, readers, we made it through the eye of the storm, and are now becalmed in foggy waters. The sirens led us gently through the treacherous shallows, and our hardy Argonauts are taking a well-earned rest. But no one believes that we are near the end of our sojourn, least of all our captain. Jason has been poring over the charts in recent days, armed with little but a wristwatch of dubious provenance, and a barrel of mangos. Should the wind fill our sails once again, we anticipate a landing on a distant peninsula sometime towards the end of next week, where we will disembark and then change into canoes for the long paddle upstream into the heart of darkness, where we will meet our collective fates. Like the Mekong dolphins, we will not be able to rely on the kindness of sirens, but instead must rely on our wits alone. Given that some have called our crew witless, we will sorely be tested.

Girding ourselves for the stormy waters ahead

The crew have chosen to take a little shore-leave this weekend, in anticipation of some rough sailing in the week ahead. Caught twixt Scylla and Charybdis, we'll be seeking to keep our leaky craft on an even keel, and hope that our aim is true. Camels and needle eyes come to mind. But we must summon our collective nerve, and ask that the gentle sirens assist us, as we navigate the way ahead. No compass or charts will help us now. Some crew members worry that we will come to the edge of the world, but hopefully we will come to the new world of milk and honey. So, mateys, lash yourselves to the mast and hang on tight, cos here we go ...!

What can we put in the safe?

We don't really know how to open the safe, as there's only one combination. So we decide to put our take-out menu in the safe, which will ensure maximum security, and we all won't have to complain about over-eating.

What else do you think we can put in the safe?

Borrowing Other Peoples Property

It has come to our attention recently that our dear sister KNL has a penchant for other peoples’ things. It started at a young age when she wanted all the rice and sun-cream she could get her hands on in our tiny village in the central district of North Korea. Since then this dangerous and disturbing habit has taken a far more sinister twist. Not only did she start taking extra sugar sachets from expensive hotels, but she recently contemplated taking an ash tray and a small saucer from the same said hotel. I mean, we can all understand taking an ash tray (who hasn’t) but a small saucer !! – that’s no way to drink tea, mother would be ashamed. We all hope that we can lead our wayward sister to a calmer and higher plane – what about towels, we all need them! Details of KNL’s correctional programme will be made public in due course....

Arrival of Our Rich Friend

Now that our office is safe for habitation, we had a very nice surprise today as our rich friend from Tay Ho came to our office. She made her fortune developing Mi Ba instant noodles. Unfortunately for her our car parking situation in our office is not the best and she was disappointed to note that she could not park her family runaround in our car park (a recent picture of her car is attached here). Never mind she will borrow a Humbvee from our friend the mosquito as it can be parked anywhere.

My picture

I've been getting lots of request to see what I look like actually. This is a picture TL's danish brother took of me as I was waiting for the statue to arrive. As you can see, I always dress for the occassion except that I forgot my genuinely fake watch this time.

Calling the Blogmeister

Changes need to be made of the image of the safe, and the text running across it. That is just SO yesterday ! And we're not retro kinda people. It is not the new black. Let's see to that, people.

The Grand Pooh-Bah is back in the Noi

Alas, when one gets to my age, one's bazooka does not always fire with such reliability and accuracy as one would like. Bazooka droop, they call it. But the knowledge that the office is now in better shape than before helps stiffen the resolve (if not the bazooka itself), and puts emotional lead in the mental pencil. Onward and upward. Nuff said.

The Arrival of Tran Hung Dao

As we sit in our graveyard office we hear momentus news that our saviuor and great hope Tran Hung Dao will finally arrive in our office. It is a sunny day here and NKL, the TL and Quentin’s Dad (with a Bazooka) arrives to the office with hope restored and eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Feng Shui Master. The safe sits proudly unopen as no one knows how to use it with the exception of our Sister from Lai Chau who is not expected back for another week at least. We will keep you posted as and when events unfold…

the Dak Lak offensive

As the Mozzie travels to coffee kingdom to attend an important meeting with important people, it was thought TL could call on his relatives in Dak Lak, who do not own bazooka but instead possess large elephants and spears, to organize something grand for the Mozzie. The decision came a little too late as the Dak Lak offensive turned back on to us. From the coffee kingdom, the Mozzie threatened the TL, saying he would confiscate all the spears and elephants, and all of TL's relatives would be sent down to Hanoi to work for a white-slave trader.

We are wondering if quentin's father can bring his bazooka back up north, and as he flies through the coffee kingdom, he can attach the bazooka to the mozzie.

Interviews

I am very nervous of being interviewed for jobs, especially when they are undertaken with such world renowned expertise. We were anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new friend to our little office when we heard the news that they needed an additional interview to pass. We were worried as the interviewer was the world famous expert in our friend’s field, the Phoenix lady.

She gave our friend such tough questioning we were worried whether it would scar our friend for life.She would ask gruelling questions such as our friend’s age and cunningly cross check it with questions like what’s your date of birth. Enough to make a grown person crumble. I hope that our friend passes, we await the outcome....

Arrival of “Instruments” (Of Mass Destruction??)

Today was a very exciting day for those of us who work in the little office overlooking the graveyard. No there is still no sign of Tran Hung Dao (who strangely has our ears!!) but rather the arrival of instruments to allow us to carry out our work. For most people this shouldn't signify a special celebration but for us it was a wonderful surprise.

We knew that the day was special when our Sister from Lai Chau Province visited our office on her specially converted helicopter. It took her days to come into office and so she has decided to relocate to Bangkok where she says it will be easier to get to our office on a daily basis, weather permitting of course.

Well our instruments were greeted with a great sense of jubilation – KNL was pleased because they were clearly made in her homeland, North Korea. However, much to our surprise the Hamster was less than impressed with the quality of our “instruments”, which divided opinion within the office evenly between himself and everybody else. Phoenix lady was most displeased as, like the Thapster, she had an ingenious money making scheme which was based on purchase of better quality machines from Kazakhstan. There remains a sense of unease which I am sure the mosquito will resolve with his charm and wit. The story continues.......

... is that prosperity or posterity ? At least He didn't have our posteriors for posterity.

Divine Leader Has Our Ears

Fortunately, our camera man caught the special moment for prosperity...

Meeting the Devine Leader

Today, we embarked on a long and dangerous journey to the palace of our Devine Leader. Passing through a cove scented garden our fearless TL accompanied by only the thapster fresh from his money making endeavours, proceeded to the gates of the Palace on our silver beast. The Devine Leader was pleased to have our ear for a few minutes having been busy for much of the day beating the manilites with his bare hands.

We shall see if his wroth shall summon the gods and clip the wings of an ever confident but busy mosquito. The story continues ......

Safe Sirens

No, no. These are sirens of Ciputra.

Rescue me

Sirens of Ciputra?

The Sirens of Ciputra

You are only supposed to blow the bloody doors off !

fengshui luck

-I really need the statue now. we've run into all sorts of bad luck today. danish brother pointed out that we could have replaced the safebox with a fridge, so we would not have to throw the milk out at the end of everyday. as an unpaid consultant and economist, he always points out things ex-post, like trying to explain the recession after it had already taken place.

as the TL told agronoman that his humvee and mobile phones were too fancy for our humble graveyard view place, he did not know what he was getting himself into. unfortunately quentin's father had gone south with his bazouka, so no one was able to come to the rescue. The phoenix lady called one of the consultants to interrogate him on his involvement, making implicit threats. TL was mad, KNL was stupid, thapster was enthusiastic to make some money, we managed to get ourselves into a lot of trouble. in the end a lot of beer was involved, and no sight of the expensive gym membership being used.

once we have the statue everything will get better. dear super being can you bless it quickly please

genuinely fake watches

people have got to stop subsidizing this project. they should not be allowed to spend their own money on statues, safe boxes, mugs, cleaning stuff, fans, fridges, plants, and other things. Think about how many cartier watches one would have got if we didn't spend money on these other meaningless things.

the agronoman came in a shiny humvee, displaying the latest model of mobile phones. He's a very busy man, thus in a meeting he will let the phone ring in ascending volume for several times before picking up to inquire the identity of the caller on the other end of the line. The key to rice is seeds, and if there's no markets we have to build them.

nobody actually lives in this building looking out to the graveyards. it's quite scary to be there alone. we should pay mozzie's relatives to come live next door.

the Sheraton gym membership

as we have resorted to food therapy recently to deal with our stressful life, most of us have become overweight. the sheraton gym membership is supposed to make us all thinner, or at least feel thinner. the wallet definitely feels thinner. However, the plus side is that the family membership means anyone in the family can go. so we are organizing a couple of tennis games around mid-day, which is the only time it is free. the TL has promised to come in his Dunlop slippers. KNL is not a very good tennis player, as Koreans nowadays are not very sportive. TL and KNL are actually related, they grew up in North Korea, but since TL wasn't mommie's favorite, he had to work in the field and became very dark. TL also had an adopted Danish brother from Dak Lak who used to beat him every now and then. so TL, KNL, the Danish brother and the Japanese clinic manager will play a game of tennis very soon.